Lately I have been doing a lot of reading about rape, and how people question why women don't make more of a fuss. Last night I saw a perfect example of this!
As I rode the TTC down Eglington, a young woman (early twenties) got on the bus and sat near my friend and I at the back of the bus. There was a man sitting near us as well, who was clearly intoxicated. This man went on to hit on his woman, who clearly showed very little interest in him and was clearly uncomfortable. I was unable to hear all of their conversation, but she faked a smile and acknowledged him when he spoke to her, but never really engaged in the conversation.
I heard her drop the "I have a boyfriend" card, I assume for the same reason I do, it's a polite way to avoid unwanted advancements, to not bruise his ego. I have a fake boyfriend named Bradley that I met at McMaster for these exact situations.
At one point he grabbed her wrist as he spoke to her, she had to tug her wrist a couple of times before he let go. She never said anything and neither did I.
I kept thinking to myself this situation isn't right, I should say something, but I couldn't figure out what to say. As her stop came up she stood up and so did the man who spent the trip from Eglington Stn to Eglington West Stn chatting to her. I told my friend that is this guy got off at the same stop as her, we would get off as well and walk her home. I was not in a rush and I had a bad feeling in my gut about it.
She got off and the man was about too but his friend stopped him. He then went on to start to undo his pants to expose himself, luckily another man stopped him.
As I reflected on this, I kept thinking to myself, she was being polite by engaging in conversation and smiling, even though she felt uncomfortable. I would have done the same. I would have told him about my fake boyfriend and I would have text a friend to have them call me so I could avoid the situation. So I didn't have to say what I was really thinking, "I am not interested, you are giving me the creeps and I am very uncomfortable."
The thing is I worry, as imagine this girl was. I worry if I am honest that his bruise ego will put my safety in further danger. I worry that when I get off the bus / streetcar / subway that he will get off as well. I worry he will follow me home, and I worry that I won't be able to defend myself, that no one will see/hear, or no one will intervene.
I wish I had of said something to this man. But the truth is, late at night, when it's dark, it's hard too. I would have walked this girl home, and I am sure that would have meant a lot. But by not saying something, this man will go on thinking that his is acceptable behaviour, and that is not okay!
This is such a great teaching about the importance of trusting our instincts!!!! Girls and women are so socialized to think we are "paranoid," and we are criticized so often for being "bitches" when we are proactive....Usually in my class on children and youth experiencing violence I take a quick poll: how many of you who grew up in Toronto were in some way sexually assaulted or humiliated on the TTC? It's always over 80% of the class, sometimes 100%, who put up their hands....Good for you for recognizing this situation for what it was....And my best to Bradley!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a friend of mine, Mary. Mary also has a fake boyfriend. Hers is a police officer, and she's quick to drop that card when she feels like a man is being too pushy or just giving her any sort of bad feeling. I used to kind of laugh about Mary's faux officer boyfriend, thinking she was excessively paranoid and likely overreacting. Imagine my surprise one day when a strange man I had just met was giving me a bad vibe and I adopted Mary's fake boyfriend story and used the card myself. Caution is not paranoia. Never underestimate your own personal instincts and gut feelings.
ReplyDeleteIt's really unfortunate that women have to come up with fake boyfriends, and fake back stories and fake phone calls / text messages in order to divert attention else where. I don't think that I should have to keep my mouth shut, but the truth of the mater is, when you don't know somebody, you don't know how they are going to react to a situation. That unknown cab be quite scary. Making sure you remain safe is key.
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